Excellence comes from training (7)

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This advice is from Sunday school -优秀是训练出来的 (7)- on 2/17/19 at Michiana Chinese Christian Church (MCCC).

Principles on training (Part 2):

  1. Training must be consistent. a. You must be consistent before and after training your kid. b. Spouses must be consistent before and after training your kid.
  2. Training must be persistent (must have patience), must not lose the temper. Try to train your kids with a soft tone.
  3. Training is not about buying obedience, don’t “bribe”. Instead, reward him/her when he/she does something right.
  4. When training your kid, do not provoke their anger. [DO NOT shout at them, humiliate them, ignore them because you are too busy, discipline them when you are angry, truly not care about them or their feeling, differentially treat them (bias), curse (judge/rebuke) them, talk to them rudely, scowl them, set excessive number of rules, act like a saint (flawless), break one’s promise, disrespect their privacy, make a fuss, take away their freedom, ask them to pick a side in parents’ fight, have excessive expectations, discipline them before finding the truth, distrust them, nag, be unflexible about some special situation, only pick up negative aspects, keep talking about the same mistake, impede kids making their own decisions, condition your love (i.e. good grade), tell other people your kids’ shortcomings.]
  5. Training should often be about praises and encourage.


Misconception at raising children :

  1. Make the child feel good, otherwise, he/she may hurt self-esteem, so you are afraid of disciplining or training. <-Wrong, why->
    1. Kids’ good feeling is conditional on doing and behaving well? – No.
    2. Super-parents: to help depressed kids (pain, challenges), excessively fulfill his material desires. -join the important activity, prepare the largest party, buy good cars, buy good cloth. – This is wrong.
    3. If parents fill children’s greed, their greed will just become larger. Kids may think that the world should go follow them, make them feel good. Parents will eventually find out that they have raised a greedy, selfish, and ungrateful child. – So don’t.
    4. If parents care too much about kids feeling good, it will cause too much tension in the relationship. (You won’t get the same feedback.)
    5. Self-esteem comes from happiness, feeling of success, healthiness, even from IQ.
    6. Healthy mood = healthy sleep (at least 8 hours and mood would improve) + healthy food + Good self-control + responsibility (i.e. don’t oversleep during the weekend, irregular food intake)
    7. Discipline and training are for the benefit of the kids and parents.
  2. Peer pressure power is too strong, parents are no match. (Don’t make excuse for it) <-Wrong, why->
    1. Searching for acceptance in society is natural and present at all ages.
    2. Peer pressure is a social force, it is always challenging one’s thought and behavior.
    3. It is not peer pressure what breaks teenagers and parents apart, but the conflicts of values are what weakens teenagers obedience to adults’ pressure.
    4. Peer pressure is not always negative, it is if its values are in conflict with parents’ values.
    5. There are many sources affecting teenagers: family, teachers, coaches, volunteers at church, peers of the same age, etc.
  3. Every teenager is rebellious, you just need to wait, leave it alone. <-Wrong, why->
    1. Rebellion is a basic “core” problem.
    2. Teenagers are not normally challenging or rebelling against parent’s authority, but they are challenging and rebelling against parent’s values and viewpoints.
    3. Entrusting the Bible is not allowing parents to be less involved, but asking parents to actively work to follow God’s command.
    4. Influence/power of the holy grace.
    5. Influence/power of the family image.
    6. Influence/power of the neighborhood (you may need to move neighborhood).

Video watched during the class

You need to be consistent (what you cannot do during the day, you cannot do at night). Also, consistency of rule among both parents and grandparents, do not allow differences. Example of gambling, would you gamble if you always lost? During training, you cannot and must not get angry. Because your kid will try to see how to get you angry. (Think about a police catching someone speeding). Then the elder told a story of one-year-old sitting on father’s lap, the kid wanted to get down, dad said no. Then mom came, the kid started crying. If dad stopped training there, then the kid successfully trained his parents. In the story, the father maintained his posture, turn his kid away from the mother, and kept with the training. Do not buy obedience. The common case of a shopping trip with children. The big mistake is when the kid cries, you get what he/she wants. A father who said to his kid “if you don’t cry for the rest of the trip, I will buy it for you”. This is still a mistake because you are just delaying the problem. If you insult and/or beat the child up, it is a mistake. The hard thing is to ask kids to do the right thing, it is much easier to ask them to not do something. The easy and good solution is to say “At the count of three, if you don’t stop, we will go home and you will be disciplining at home.” This is almost foolproof. It is recommended to prepare a list of things that you need when before going on shopping. Ask kids to help you and consistently do not buy anything off the list. One thing that is strongly advised against is not to get your kids angry: DO NOT shout at them, humiliate them, ignore them because you are too busy, discipline them when you are angry, truly not care about them or their feeling, differentially treat them (bias), curse (judge/rebuke) them, talk to them rudely, scowl them, set excessive number of rules, act like a saint (flawless), break one’s promise, disrespect their privacy, make a fuss, take away their freedom, ask them to pick a side in parents’ fight, have excessive expectations, discipline them before finding the truth, distrust them, nag, be unflexible about some special situation, only pick up negative aspects, keep talking about the same mistake, impede kids making their own decisions, condition your love (i.e. good grade), tell other people your kids’ shortcomings.

Bible verses:
Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger. It is his glory to overlook an offense.

Ephesians 6:4 You fathers, don’t provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, and a wrathful man abounds in sin.

Proverbs 17:23 A wicked man receives a bribe in secret, to pervert the ways of justice.

Exodus 23:8 “You shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds those who have sight and perverts the words of the righteous.

Proverbs 17:23 Discipline your son, for there is hope; don’t be a willing party to his death.

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